I wasn’t prepared to feel the way I did
“By all accounts, I had no risk factors for a PMAD when I became pregnant. I was 28 years old, first baby, supportive husband and family, good job, and an uneventful pregnancy. Until week 34. At that point I was showing signs of elevated blood pressure. Two weeks of bed rest and a lot of checking in with the OB office for urine tests. I hated being on bed rest and I was very disappointed that I wasn’t able to “nest” like I had been planning for months. I felt trapped and like a prisoner in my own home. I was like a dog shaking with angst and anticipation to get out of a kennel when my husband would get home and say “let’s get you out of here…let’s go for a ride.” I hated being shut in. I hated feeling alone. I was ready to be done with pregnancy but understood it was too early yet, so I waited and pouted. At 36 weeks and 5 days, I went for my weekly appointment and the OB did not have good news for me. I remember seeing her face and saying “I’m not going back home today, am I? I’m not leaving here without a baby, am I?” I was devastated. My body had let me down, had let my baby girl down. And the only cure was to deliver her…early. Pre-eclampsia was the disease. Delivery was the cure. After a pretty routine induced vaginal delivery, I delivered an itty-bitty 5-pounder. But I remember so very little of it…mag sulfate is a powerful medicine. I don’t remember her being placed on my chest. I don’t remember hearing her cry. I remember that I did not cry…tears of joy or otherwise. I just remember being numb.”