By: Sarah Pinson, PhD, Perinatal Psychology Fellow
Motherhood is often portrayed as a purely joyous and fulfilling experience. But in reality, it is much more complex. Mothers and birthing people may find themselves experiencing a mix of emotions—sometimes feeling love, joy, and gratitude, while also feeling frustration, exhaustion, and even resentment. This coexistence of contradictory feelings is known as ambivalence, a common, yet often unspoken, part of the motherhood journey.
What Is Ambivalence?
Ambivalence refers to holding two conflicting emotions at the same time, and it comes from the Latin roots ambo (meaning “both”) and valentia (meaning “strength”). In the context of motherhood, ambivalence may look like deeply loving your baby while simultaneously not enjoying certain aspects of motherhood, such as sleep deprivation or the loss of personal freedom. These conflicting emotions can be confusing, especially in a culture that idealizes motherhood as a time of pure bliss.
The Silent Struggle: Maternal Ambivalence
Maternal ambivalence—the simultaneous feelings of love and frustration towards a child—has often been overlooked. Feminist scholars have worked to destigmatize these “negative” emotions, challenging the narrative that a good mother must always feel selfless and nurturing. In truth, many mothers and birthing people experience a mix of emotions, and this complexity does not make them any less caring or capable.
For many, transitioning to motherhood involves not only joy but also immense physical and emotional fatigue. The demands of caring for a child often leave little time for the mother’s own needs, potentially leading to feelings of overwhelm, sadness about the loss of their previous life, and sometimes even resentment toward the baby or the new role of motherhood. This is because the baby’s constant needs often compete with the mother’s or birthing person’s own needs, making it challenging to balance personal care with caregiving. Recognizing these feelings as a common aspect of the motherhood experience rather than a reflection of one’s worth as a parent is the key to managing them without guilt or shame.
The Impact of Cultural Expectations
Cultural expectations play a significant role in shaping how mothers and birthing parents perceive and cope with ambivalence. In Western cultures, particularly among younger generations, there is often discomfort around holding mixed emotions. Social media and popular culture perpetuate the myth of perfect, blissful motherhood. However, these ideals are not just a product of modern media—they are deeply rooted in centuries of family systems and societal structures, where the entirety of childcare responsibilities fell on mothers, but women usually had a “village” to support them through it. Expectations of what motherhood “should” be and feel like have become part of society’s DNA, shaping how we all internalize what it means to be a “good” mother. The disconnect between the reality of motherhood and the idealized version conveyed by these longstanding cultural norms can make mothers and birthing people feel isolated, heightening their guilt and shame when their experiences do not align with these expectations.
A Growth Opportunity
Ambivalence, when acknowledged, can actually serve as an opportunity for growth. Rather than something to eliminate, it can fuel creativity in caregiving. For example, a mother who feels overwhelmed and frustrated by her lack of personal time may think flexibly and find creative ways to carve out moments for herself, such as asking a friend to watch the baby while she takes a walk. This act may not seem particularly unique or special, but it’s a creative, flexible response to a challenging situation.
Psychodynamic theorists like Parker and Raphael-Leff emphasize that ambivalence is not inherently harmful. In fact, it is the guilt associated with ambivalence, rather than ambivalence itself, that can be problematic. When these emotions arise, it’s not only important to acknowledge them but also to listen to the message they might be sending. For example, sadness may indicate that a mother is mourning the loss of her previous life, while anger may suggest unmet needs or boundaries being crossed. By tuning into these emotions and understanding their deeper meaning, mothers and birthing people can address what is truly at the heart of their feelings. Embracing the full spectrum of emotions that come with motherhood can help reduce feelings of shame and prevent the buildup of psychological defenses that can negatively impact emotional well-being.
Why Acknowledging Ambivalence Matters
Maternal ambivalence doesn’t just affect mothers and birthing people—it also impacts their children. Research suggests that mothers who acknowledge their ambivalent feelings tend to feel more empowered in their parenting. On the other hand, denying these feelings can lead to dysfunctional behaviors, such as irritability or emotional withdrawal. By normalizing ambivalence, we create a healthier emotional environment for both parents and their children. It shows that all emotions, even conflicting ones, can be safely felt.
Find Support at The Motherhood Center
Motherhood brings a spectrum of emotions. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or weighed down by guilt due to ambivalence, therapeutic support can help you explore and accept these feelings, making your experience more manageable. For some mothers and birthing people, challenging emotions—like sadness, frustration, or resentment—can sometimes overshadow moments of joy. If you often feel disconnected or burdened by these difficult emotions, it may be a sign that additional support could be beneficial. With the right help, it’s possible to rediscover the joy in motherhood and foster a healthier emotional balance, allowing both positive and challenging feelings to coexist in a way that promotes personal growth and well-being.
The Motherhood Center provides a safe space where you can openly explore these feelings—whether you are struggling with ambivalence or primarily experiencing more difficult emotions. Our offerings include individual therapy, support groups, and a specialized Perinatal Day Program, all designed to help you navigate the complexities of motherhood. We are here to walk with you every step of the way, helping you embrace all facets of your journey in a nurturing, non-judgmental environment.
References:
- Parker, R. (2005). Torn in Two: The Experience of Maternal Ambivalence.
- Raphael-Leff, J. (2010). Motherhood and Ambivalence: Psychodynamic Theory.